“I Thought Thoughts Were Feelings for Most of My Life”
In Therapy, Feelings Are the Currency of the Realm
Good therapy recognizes the deep, reciprocal connections between our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
But while all three elements matter, they don’t have equal standing: instead, feelings run deeper. Feelings are the explanatory principle - and the true test - of much successful therapy.
The reason is simple: what we think and how we behave ultimately matter because of how thoughts and behaviors translate into feelings. The possibility of feeling strong feelings is what it means for something to matter.
If this sounds like a strong claim, let’s try a thought experiment.
Imagine you couldn’t feel anything - no emotions, no feelings, no sensations. In this situation, would you care what you thought, or what you did with your time?
I suspect not.
We care what we think (about ourselves, about our relationships, about life itself) because of how our thoughts make us feel. We care how we behave because of how our actions make us (and others) feel. (Of course, part of the reason we care about how we feel is because feelings encourage us to think or act in various ways. But ultimately, the cash value of all that thinking and acting is the feelings those thoughts and actions produce.)
This way of seeing things has big implications for therapy.
Clients often enter therapy with negative perceptions of their own thinking and behavior - and sometimes, a client’s first impulse is to try to correct her thinking or behavioral patterns. (“I need to stop being so critical of myself,” or “I have to stop yelling at my kids.”)
There can be value in starting our work in these places. At the same time, it’s also helpful to ask what’s really at stake. And the answer - almost always - is that the client wants access to more good feelings and fewer painful feelings (for himself and/or others). The client believes that by changing how he thinks or what he does, he will change how he feels (about himself, in relationships with friends and family, at work, about the past or future…).
In other words, people usually come to therapy hoping to feel differently about something - even if that’s not how they initially understand their motivations.
That’s okay. Clients don’t need to approach therapy with perfect clarity about their motives and goals. It’s enough to feel an impulse and give it a try. Sometimes, that’s where the best work begins - with an intuition.
And once therapy is underway, clients have plenty of opportunities to clarify their goals. As it becomes clear that the client’s goals involve feeling more good feelings (love, connection, relaxation, confidence) and fewer painful feelings (anxiety, loneliness, depression, despair), then a client’s desired feelings can start to shape our therapeutic strategy.
For example: if a client wants to feel more peace, then we can begin to ask what patterns of thought or behavior might bring about greater peace, and what might take the client farther away from that state. Where does the client experience peace in her life right now? What is she doing to bring about that peace? What can we learn from these choices? And how can we use peace as a polestar, a point on the compass that help us orient and feel for next steps?